Tuesday, September 9, 2014

"I Don't Know."

There comes a time in life when you just have to admit it. This is who I am. And the puffing up and self-proclaimed confidence are just coping mechanisms that help you deal with the reality you like to pretend isn't real. Every time I make a life decision, people ask me questions. LOTS of questions. Not just about me, but about my husband, and my kids, and how I am going to make sure they are all doing what they need to do. My assumption is they want to feel like I know what I am doing and that I've got everything under control.

But guess what?

I don't. This is my first life. I'm still figuring things out. It just doesn't come as naturally to me as it seems to come to others. I like to use the generalized, "I'm human" response when explaining how lost I really am. But I am beginning to wonder if that word doesn't mean what I think it means. Because when I admit that I am really insecure, and I don't know what to do, and I actually don't have any real idea what life's answers are, people tend to look at me like, "Oh you poor thing..."

Yes, I know, I am normal. No one really knows what they are doing. We are all figuring it out. But there is an unspoken rule that you can only admit you are lost if you then have a plan to make it right. To figure it out. Because I think the fear is, if your answer is, "I don't know." And you have no plan on how to "know" then the sky might fall and bury you in despair and hopelessness. And there is nothing people like less than someone they can't fix.

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