Monday, June 9, 2014

This Mess We Call Life

It's pretty easy to say that the last two years were the worst of my life. The. Worst. Worse than all the other worsts combined. I almost lost my life. I almost lost my marriage. I almost lost my faith. I was so lost. I thought I would never make it out.

I think it's funny when younger girls have asked me for advice. First of all, it's really weird to be the "older" one. Second of all, although I try to patch together some life experience and pass it along, really I just want to laugh and say, "You want to know what to do? Look at my life, and do the opposite!" BOOM baby! Life figured out.

Some days I wake up and I get butterflies. I'm not just happy to be alive. I'm happy I want to be alive. I look at my kids and I'm just overwhelmed with gratefulness and love. I look at my husband and and I fall in love with him all over again. I melt with thankfulness for his love. For some people these feelings are normal. For me they are new and wonderful. Because for so long I was so lost in worry, fear, anxiety, bitterness, and emptiness that I couldn't see what I had. And even when I could, I couldn't feel it. I couldn't feel anything but pain. So now I get butterflies. Because life, no matter how chaotic or unstable or confusing or frightening, is so, so good.

It would have been good enough for me to know I would make it out of that time with my heart still beating. But to not only make it out alive, but with a clearer sense of life, a stronger marriage, and a deeper faith than ever before? I can say I am thankful. Thankful for a God who can use the worst years of my life, and make beautiful things from the dust.


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  2. Beautiful! That last line is full of so much hope. I tend to have good days and bad days. Knowing that you are in such a joy filled place coming out of the darkness is such a testament to the father who never abandons us, even when we feel alone. I am so happy for you friend. Love you! -Vanessa

  3. Thank you for your courage. I love you!