Moving

I woke up early to feed my baby girl and couldn't fall back to sleep. My house is in boxes. Again. I really thought we were done moving for awhile. I thought another move might kill me. But here we are. Moving. Figuring it out as we go. Sorting through the stress and mystery of what tomorrow might hold. Oddly enough, I am pretty excited. Pleased even. The funny thing is, this is our 3rd move in a year (and that's just in a year), and we are moving right back to the place we left a year ago! It would be easy to look back now and see where we went wrong, or what we could have done differently, and how we could have spared ourselves the stress and drama of moving house so much. But truthfully, so many life-saving (literally) things happened through these moves, that I can't feel regret.

I won't lie, I am craving stability like a soft warm bed after many sleepless nights. I want to know that in a year I will be in the same house, or even just the same city. I want to know that I'll have a chance to put down some roots, make some family traditions, have friends to grow close with, and a home that really feels like home. I want all that a lot. Like a lot, a lot. And don't get me wrong, I think stability can be good for the soul, healthy, and needed. But I am thankful for the change all the change in our life has brought. The healing, reconciliation, and trust it has developed.

It feels weird to say it, but all the chaos, stress, and change has brought a lot of clarity. Security. And peace. Not to say I didn't bite off all my nails and eat a pint of ice cream in one sitting this weekend in between packing boxes and binge watching Netflix. But hey, I didn't kill anyone, and I still have a full head of hair, so I'd say it was a pretty productive weekend!

On the road again. Hoping for some stability, while trusting God's grace is sufficient in my weakness.

This Mess We Call Life

It's pretty easy to say that the last two years were the worst of my life. The. Worst. Worse than all the other worsts combined. I almost lost my life. I almost lost my marriage. I almost lost my faith. I was so lost. I thought I would never make it out.

I think it's funny when younger girls have asked me for advice. First of all, it's really weird to be the "older" one. Second of all, although I try to patch together some life experience and pass it along, really I just want to laugh and say, "You want to know what to do? Look at my life, and do the opposite!" BOOM baby! Life figured out.

Some days I wake up and I get butterflies. I'm not just happy to be alive. I'm happy I want to be alive. I look at my kids and I'm just overwhelmed with gratefulness and love. I look at my husband and and I fall in love with him all over again. I melt with thankfulness for his love. For some people these feelings are normal. For me they are new and wonderful. Because for so long I was so lost in worry, fear, anxiety, bitterness, and emptiness that I couldn't see what I had. And even when I could, I couldn't feel it. I couldn't feel anything but pain. So now I get butterflies. Because life, no matter how chaotic or unstable or confusing or frightening, is so, so good.

It would have been good enough for me to know I would make it out of that time with my heart still beating. But to not only make it out alive, but with a clearer sense of life, a stronger marriage, and a deeper faith than ever before? I can say I am thankful. Thankful for a God who can use the worst years of my life, and make beautiful things from the dust.